The "Ruling" on the 72 Virgins

Q: What is the ruling on 72 virgins?

A: A believing man who dies as a martyr while murdering innocent men, women and children in the name of a Merciful God will be promised a paradise with 72 virgins.  However, terms and conditions apply since Satan was the attorney before he was kicked out of Heaven for testing the virgins.

Firstly, we give no guarantees of age.  All our virgins have been waiting around a long time so they might be a bit on the old side.

Secondly, we did not specify the gender.  Please read the fine print.  Any description need not represent reality.  Marketing was done by the Jews.

Thirdly, to ensure that they remain virgins, they have no vaginas.  Even the women; they are all provided strap-ons.  However, there will be angels around playing the Leona Lewis song, ‘Bleeding Love’.

Explaing Why Muslims in Dearborn Supported Bernie Sanders

Q: Why did the Muslim Democrats of Dearborn, Michigan, vote for Bernie Sanders, a Jew, instead of Hillary Clinton?

A: How could they not vote for Bernie Sanders?  The alternative was an independent woman without the hijab trying to be a man. The only thing Hillary has that makes her similar to Muslim politicians and leaders is that she lies about things, changes her position often, takes money to lobby for vested interests, and constantly finds excuse for waging war. Those factors make her a perfect Muslim president.

The "Ruling" on Zionists

Q: Why do so many Muslims hate Zionists?

A: Zionists have mastered the art of propaganda.  They have perfected the art of oppression, genocide, apartheid, and have a religious entitlement complex.  In short, it is professional jealousy. They make our extremists look bad.

The Furry Subculture

Q: My brother is into the furry subculture.  Should I be worried?

A: No.  There is a reason why in many parts of the Muslim world, the sheep are nervous and the camels are cranky.  How low can a lonely person go?  Maybe a shitzu.

Is Hell Real?

Q: Is Hell Real?

A: Hell is certainly real.  Ask any married man.  Ask any person who has ever had to use the toilet in a Muslim country.  Ask any woman who has teenaged children.  Ask any England soccer fan after the penalty shoot out of a major world tournament.  Ask any Trump supporter at Beyonce concert.

The "Ruling" on Sleepwalking

Q: What would advise a Muslim who sleepwalks?

A: I would advise him to never sleep in the nude.

The Position on Niqab & the Hijab

Q: What is the position of the hijab and the niqab in Islam?

A: The hijab goes on the head, and the niqab covers the face.

On Touching Pigs

Q: Is it haram for Muslims to touch a pig?

A: It depends on how you touch it.