The "Ruling" on Eating Bananas

Q: Can Muslims eat bananas?

A: Bananas are phallic symbols.  It is haram for women to eat them because that would lead to arousal and zina.  Men may eat bananas, but it is haram for them to enjoy it.

The "Ruling" on Tampons

Q: Are women allowed to use tampons?

A: Tampons are haram because they are put in the vagina, and that is a sexual act.  They may only be used if they are put in the mouth, or the nose.

The "Fatwa" on Twerking

Q: What is the ruling on twerking?

A: I have no idea what that is.  Let me do some research.

[Much, much later]

Astagfirullah, astagfirullah, astagfirullah!  It is haram!  Haram!  And just to make sure it is haram, I watched 6 hours of videos with Vaseline and tissue to confirm.  I will go back and do further research in this bid’ah.  I am looking for the works of this Miley Cyrus.

Can We Masturbate?

Q: Can we masturbate?

A: Masturbation is haram.  That is why you should get more than one wife, so that when the others are doing the housework, one of them can entertain you.  When you masturbate, your hand will get pregnant, and it will give birth to little versions of you, which will continue to masturbate and ejaculate all over your food.

Why Happens When We Enter the Toilet with the Right Leg?

Q: Why is it that when we enter the toilet, we must use the left leg and not the right?

A: Shaykh Muhammad ibn ‘Abd al-Wahhab said that if you do not, Satan will enter with you, and play with your testicles and finger your anus.  Some of you might like that, and that is haram.

Is Breast Milk Halal?

Q: Is human breast milk halal?

A: Yes, even male breast milk.  And yes, there is such a thing as male lactation.  Breast milk becomes haram when you take it directly from the breast and it does not belong to your wife or mother.  Drinking breast milk makes everybody family.  So when you with a strange woman who is not your mahram, suck her nipples until she lactates and you are now family.  Breast milk in food is also halal.  This is irrespective of the source.  It could come from your father-in-law, and it is still permissible.