The "Ruling" on Suicide Bombing

Q: What is the ruling on suicide bombing?

A: It is an excellent chance to kill disbelievers and remove them from the Earth.  Every time a suicide bomber blows himself up, we have one less infidel.  Do it once and get it right.

The "Ruling" on Astrology

Q: What is the ruling on astrology?

A: Astrology is obviously haram.  They are called “horrorscopes” for a reason.  If they tell you something good, it is obviously made up, and if they tell you something bad, you will make it come true.  It is like religion without the fanatics and extremists, and there is no fun in that since there is no one to condemn to eternal damnation.

When Should Breastfeeding End?

Q: Dear Mufti, when should I stop breastfeeding my child?

A: It would be a good idea to stop when he starts playing with the other nipple.

A Conversation about Drinking Camel Urine

Q: Dear Mufti, what is the ruling on drinking camel urine?  I heard there is a hadits on it.

A: Drinking camel urine is good for your health.

Q: That sounds disgusting.  What does it taste like?

A; It tastes just like American beer, but without the alcohol.

A Conversation about Dancing

Q: Dear Mufti, We are getting married next month.  Are we allowed to dance?

A: Dancing is haram.  You are not allowed to enjoy yourself with music because music is used by the disbelievers to beguile you away from good deeds.  Dancing imitates the movement of people possessed.  This dance, twerking’, looks as if the jinn have possessed only the bum, by entering the anus.

Q: Okay, but can I have sex with my wife after marriage?

A: Sex with the wife is a duty and you should do it often.

Q: Can I have sex with my wife doggy style?

A: Doggy style is allowed.

Q: Can we use a real dog?

A: As long as no one sees.

Q: Can we use drugs and sex aids?

A: As long as it is in moderation.

Q: Can I have sex with my other wives at the same time?

Q: As long as they are all satisified.

Q: Can I have sex with her mother, my mother, our sisters, and the neighbours?

A: Only for the wedding night.

Q: Can we bathe in alcohol and smother ourselves with bacon as part of the sex act?

A: As long as you do not eat the bacon and drink the wine.

Q: Can we have a daisy chain and every one sodomises me with the bed posts?

A: As long as you do not enjoy it too much.

Q: Can we do it standing up?

A: Absolutely haram!

Q: Why is that?

A: Because that might lead to dancing, and dancing is haram!

The "Ruling" on Watching Cartoons

Q: Can we watch cartoons?

A: Pictures that represent people are haram.  So cartoons are even more haram, because they are pictures that represent people, and they move.  It is a plot by the Jews to make the Muslims leave monotheism by worshipping Mickey Mouse.

However, Hanna Barbera cartoons are acceptable because Wile E. Coyote is obviously one of the mujahidin since he keeps blowing himself up chasing the infidel Road Runner.

The "Ruling" on Eating Bananas

Q: Can Muslims eat bananas?

A: Bananas are phallic symbols.  It is haram for women to eat them because that would lead to arousal and zina.  Men may eat bananas, but it is haram for them to enjoy it.

The "Ruling" on Tampons

Q: Are women allowed to use tampons?

A: Tampons are haram because they are put in the vagina, and that is a sexual act.  They may only be used if they are put in the mouth, or the nose.

The "Fatwa" on Twerking

Q: What is the ruling on twerking?

A: I have no idea what that is.  Let me do some research.

[Much, much later]

Astagfirullah, astagfirullah, astagfirullah!  It is haram!  Haram!  And just to make sure it is haram, I watched 6 hours of videos with Vaseline and tissue to confirm.  I will go back and do further research in this bid’ah.  I am looking for the works of this Miley Cyrus.

Can We Masturbate?

Q: Can we masturbate?

A: Masturbation is haram.  That is why you should get more than one wife, so that when the others are doing the housework, one of them can entertain you.  When you masturbate, your hand will get pregnant, and it will give birth to little versions of you, which will continue to masturbate and ejaculate all over your food.