Question on Halal Eggs

Q: I went grocery shopping recently to buy some eggs.  I realised some of the eggs are halal certified, with logo, while others are not.  What is the difference between the two?

A: The halal eggs have been circumcised.

Is the Beard Wajib?

Q: Is the beard wajib?

A: Only if you are not a woman.

Are Women Allowed to Drive?

Q: Are women allowed to drive?

A: Women are not allowed to drive in Islam. I would give you the verse from the Qur’an but I cannot find it.  The reason is because driving involves playing with a stick, and that can lead to fornication.  There is also the possibility that a virgin might not know how to handle the stick and lose her virginity.

Please note that whilst this is satire, there are actual Saudi fatawa against women driving giving reasons like them losing their virginity to damaging their ovaries to getting raped.  I cannot keep up with actual, stupid fatawa.

The "Ruling" on Celebrating Mothers' Day

Q: What is the ruling on celebrating Mother’s Day?

A: It is haram to celebrate Mother’s Day. In Islam every day is ‘Mother’s Day’, ‘Father’s Day’, Children’s Day’, ‘Mullah’s Day’ and any other day.  Because Muslims do not want to check the calendar.  It is easier to say this instead of actually having to do something about it.  Slogans about how well we treat our mothers, however, are absolutely halal, so that we can all feel good about ourselves.

Do Atheists Go to Hell?

Q: Will atheists go to Hell when they die?

A: No.  Because they do not believe in it. When an atheist dies, his soul will be brought to a Backstreet Boys concert and he will have to listen to them for an eternity, with no bathroom breaks.  Some might consider that worse than Hell, or as Rowan Atkinson called it, "Damnation without relief."

The "Ruling" on Music

Q: What is the ruling on music

A: Music, like any activity that involves having fun, is absolutely haram.  It is a mark of piety to be miserable.  If you fart, and you feel that it has a melody, then you had better seek forgiveness.  That is why, in Islam, we do not have Karaoke; we have Kara-No-OK.  However, listening to Justin Bieber is exempted, since whatever he does is obviously not music.  It might be the sound of dogs being sodomised to death by homosexual camels with strapons.

Is the Niqab Wajib?

Q: Is the niqab wajib?

A: The niqab is absolutely wajib.  Whoever does not wear it is a whore and an impious woman.  A woman showing her face is like a woman showing her vagina.  And that is why, they do not wear the niqab during hajj and ‘umrah.

Please note that whilst this page is satire and the ‘fatawa’ are fake, this portion, “A woman showing her face is like a woman showing her vagina”, is taken from an actual Saudi fatwa.

Blasphemy Laws in Islam

Q: What is the position of blasphemy laws in Islam?

A: If you question it, it is blasphemy, and you must be killed. If you question me, it is blasphemy, and you must be killed. If you say anything I do not like, it is blasphemy, and you must be killed. Remember, Islam is a religion of peace, the Prophet (s.a.w.) was a prophet of love. And there is no compulsion in religion.

When Does a Man Mature?

Q: In Islam, when is a man mature enough for marriage?

A: Men never mature. As they get older, their toys might get more expensive. Women have to make do with these overgrown hairy toddlers. Since God is Fair, this is the price they have to pay for multiple orgasms.

The Islamic Age of Marriage for Women

Q: In Islam, when is a woman mature enough for marriage?

A: A woman is biologically ready for marriage when she begins to bleed from her nether orifices for several days and not die. This is also known as menstruation. Thereafter, she undergoes a psychiatric evaluation on a remote island until it is certified that a man may sleep in the same room as her and wake up with his penis still attached to him. Only then is it safe to marry her. This is normally at age 40.

Is the World Flat?

Q: Is the world flat?

A: The world is flat and whoever believes otherwise is a filthy infidel who lies. We know this because if the world were a sphere, we would all fall off. The world is a flat disk balanced on the head of drunk hippopotamus riding a celestial unicycle without a seat. And every time the hippopotamus moves, there are earthquakes.

Is Toothpaste Halal?

Q: Is toothpaste halal?

A: Toothpaste is halal as long as it does not contain camel semen. This mistake sometimes happens in the Najd when the lonely Bedouin brushes with the wrong ‘toothbrush’.

What Happened to the Dinosaurs?

Q: What happened to the dinosaurs?

A: Dinosaurs are creatures used by the infidels to confuse the Muslims into believing in evolution. There are many kinds of dinosaurs including unicorns and certain types of fungi. They all died out during the Great Flood when they built their own ark using brown prints stolen by Jewish agents. It was probably Mossad. We call it ‘brown prints’ because blueprints are a filthy innovation that came later. However, due to a tragic accident involving a plunger, dragon poop and a malfunctioning flush, their ark sank and they all drowned. All that dinosaur poop hardened and became coal, and their bones got embedded in it.

The Reason for Attending Funerals

Q: What is the preferred reason for attending funerals?

A: A Muslim should attend a funeral for two reasons.  The first is to pay the last respects and ensure that the funeral is conducted according to shari’ah.  And the second is to ensure that the deceased is truly dead.  To that effect, it is preferable to bring a mallet, and when no one is looking, to quietly hit the body repeatedly.

Where Rain Comes from

Q: What does Islam say about rain.

A: Do not listen to the infidel scientists and their innovated water cycle.  Rain is caused by millions of birds flying above the clouds and urinating at the same time.  How do we know it is true? Has anyone ever seen a bird pissing?  Exactly!