The "Ruling" on Voting

Q: Are we allowed to vote in the American Presidential election?

A: Voting is imitating the kuffar, just like eating, breathing and defecating.  Democracy is haram because it gives people the false idea that they have a say in government.  A Muslim should choose his leaders the traditional methods – assassination, genocide, revolution and inter-tribal raid.  It is meritorious to chant “Death to America” at random intervals.  Another recommended method is to have the names of random people, especially fictional characters, put in boxes.  Have a female hippopotamus in a tutu hop around in a pogo stick while menstruating.  Whichever box has the most blood, that is the new khalifah.  Thereafter, revert to the traditional methods mentioned above.

The "Ruling" on Watching Nature Shows

Q: It is okay to watch Discovery Channel or any nature show?

A: This is a plot by the kuffar since they know how much we love animals.  If someone were to see the animals fornicating during mating season, they might get excited and this would be considered pornography in the Najd.

The "Ruling" on Polygamy

Q: So why is polygamy allowed in Islam?

A: Polygamy is a sacred institution where a man experiences the joy of having more than one mother-in-law, and the joy of living through up to eight menstrual cycles every month.  This is so that they know that Hell exists.  And since Hell exists, they will believe in Heaven.  This is also why it was the practise of certain pious men to sit in caves and meditate for long periods.  al-Hamdulillah, now we have Netflix and X-Box.

Why Pork is Haram

Q: Why is pork haram?

A: Pork is haram because pigs are the closest living relatives to some people, whose only culture is bacteria.  Islam does not allow cannibalism.

The Reason Why Women Wear the Hijab

Q: Why do Muslim women wear the hijab?

A: It is a Divine Mercy since God Knows women have bad hair days.  Aside for modesty, the hijab is useful for covering that up.  This also means that husbands need not wait until Judgement Day while the womenfolk ‘fix’ their hair.

The "Ruling" on Singing

Q: Is singing haram?

A: Singing is haram for two reasons.  If the singer is good, then it excites the senses and allures people away from the only things they are allowed to hear: the recitation of the Qur'an, and the nagging of their four wives.

And if the singer is horrible, people might be confused and think that either an exorcism is required, or somebody is sodomising a dog with a poker iron.  The first would frighten the people, and the second might excite some of them.

However, rapping is allowed since there is no music involved.  The preferred phrases to use include, “Haram”, “You are kafir,” and the classic, “Death to America”.

The "Ruling" on Hashish

Q: What is the ruling on hashish?

A: The biggest producers of hashish in the world are Morocco and Afghanistan, Muslim majority countries.  Because producing it for the kuffar is a meritorious act.

For the Muslims, hashish is haram because it makes you fornicate with goats, and one cannot engage in premarital sex.  However, if one has married the goat, then it is permissible.  But sometimes, because of the niqab, it is difficult to tell who is the woman and who is the goat.  In such a case, bring a carrot and a long stick.

The "Ruling" on Supporting Manchester United

Q: What is the ruling on supporting Manchester United?

A: It is Written in the Qur'an that Satan is the avowed enemy of Banu Adam. Manchester United are known as the Red Devils, Shaythan al-Ahmar.  As such, it is haram to support them.  Also, since they are Red Devils, we know they are communist shaythan, making it a bid’ah, kufr, haram shirk – a made up term.

It is better to support Liverpool.  As a Liverpool fan, you will be like the Malamati Sufis since you will understand the meaning of suffering every week.  And for 90 minutes of so, you will pray for a goal like you have never prayed before, only to be disappointed most times.