The "Ruling" on Suicide Bombing

Q: What is the ruling on suicide bombing?

A: It is an excellent chance to kill disbelievers and remove them from the Earth.  Every time a suicide bomber blows himself up, we have one less infidel.  Do it once and get it right.

The "Ruling" on Astrology

Q: What is the ruling on astrology?

A: Astrology is obviously haram.  They are called “horrorscopes” for a reason.  If they tell you something good, it is obviously made up, and if they tell you something bad, you will make it come true.  It is like religion without the fanatics and extremists, and there is no fun in that since there is no one to condemn to eternal damnation.

When Should Breastfeeding End?

Q: Dear Mufti, when should I stop breastfeeding my child?

A: It would be a good idea to stop when he starts playing with the other nipple.

A Conversation about Drinking Camel Urine

Q: Dear Mufti, what is the ruling on drinking camel urine?  I heard there is a hadits on it.

A: Drinking camel urine is good for your health.

Q: That sounds disgusting.  What does it taste like?

A; It tastes just like American beer, but without the alcohol.

A Conversation about Dancing

Q: Dear Mufti, We are getting married next month.  Are we allowed to dance?

A: Dancing is haram.  You are not allowed to enjoy yourself with music because music is used by the disbelievers to beguile you away from good deeds.  Dancing imitates the movement of people possessed.  This dance, twerking’, looks as if the jinn have possessed only the bum, by entering the anus.

Q: Okay, but can I have sex with my wife after marriage?

A: Sex with the wife is a duty and you should do it often.

Q: Can I have sex with my wife doggy style?

A: Doggy style is allowed.

Q: Can we use a real dog?

A: As long as no one sees.

Q: Can we use drugs and sex aids?

A: As long as it is in moderation.

Q: Can I have sex with my other wives at the same time?

Q: As long as they are all satisified.

Q: Can I have sex with her mother, my mother, our sisters, and the neighbours?

A: Only for the wedding night.

Q: Can we bathe in alcohol and smother ourselves with bacon as part of the sex act?

A: As long as you do not eat the bacon and drink the wine.

Q: Can we have a daisy chain and every one sodomises me with the bed posts?

A: As long as you do not enjoy it too much.

Q: Can we do it standing up?

A: Absolutely haram!

Q: Why is that?

A: Because that might lead to dancing, and dancing is haram!

The "Ruling" on Watching Cartoons

Q: Can we watch cartoons?

A: Pictures that represent people are haram.  So cartoons are even more haram, because they are pictures that represent people, and they move.  It is a plot by the Jews to make the Muslims leave monotheism by worshipping Mickey Mouse.

However, Hanna Barbera cartoons are acceptable because Wile E. Coyote is obviously one of the mujahidin since he keeps blowing himself up chasing the infidel Road Runner.

The "Ruling" on Eating Bananas

Q: Can Muslims eat bananas?

A: Bananas are phallic symbols.  It is haram for women to eat them because that would lead to arousal and zina.  Men may eat bananas, but it is haram for them to enjoy it.

The "Ruling" on Tampons

Q: Are women allowed to use tampons?

A: Tampons are haram because they are put in the vagina, and that is a sexual act.  They may only be used if they are put in the mouth, or the nose.

The "Fatwa" on Twerking

Q: What is the ruling on twerking?

A: I have no idea what that is.  Let me do some research.

[Much, much later]

Astagfirullah, astagfirullah, astagfirullah!  It is haram!  Haram!  And just to make sure it is haram, I watched 6 hours of videos with Vaseline and tissue to confirm.  I will go back and do further research in this bid’ah.  I am looking for the works of this Miley Cyrus.

Can We Masturbate?

Q: Can we masturbate?

A: Masturbation is haram.  That is why you should get more than one wife, so that when the others are doing the housework, one of them can entertain you.  When you masturbate, your hand will get pregnant, and it will give birth to little versions of you, which will continue to masturbate and ejaculate all over your food.

Why Happens When We Enter the Toilet with the Right Leg?

Q: Why is it that when we enter the toilet, we must use the left leg and not the right?

A: Shaykh Muhammad ibn ‘Abd al-Wahhab said that if you do not, Satan will enter with you, and play with your testicles and finger your anus.  Some of you might like that, and that is haram.

Is Breast Milk Halal?

Q: Is human breast milk halal?

A: Yes, even male breast milk.  And yes, there is such a thing as male lactation.  Breast milk becomes haram when you take it directly from the breast and it does not belong to your wife or mother.  Drinking breast milk makes everybody family.  So when you with a strange woman who is not your mahram, suck her nipples until she lactates and you are now family.  Breast milk in food is also halal.  This is irrespective of the source.  It could come from your father-in-law, and it is still permissible.

Question on Halal Eggs

Q: I went grocery shopping recently to buy some eggs.  I realised some of the eggs are halal certified, with logo, while others are not.  What is the difference between the two?

A: The halal eggs have been circumcised.

Is the Beard Wajib?

Q: Is the beard wajib?

A: Only if you are not a woman.

Are Women Allowed to Drive?

Q: Are women allowed to drive?

A: Women are not allowed to drive in Islam. I would give you the verse from the Qur’an but I cannot find it.  The reason is because driving involves playing with a stick, and that can lead to fornication.  There is also the possibility that a virgin might not know how to handle the stick and lose her virginity.

Please note that whilst this is satire, there are actual Saudi fatawa against women driving giving reasons like them losing their virginity to damaging their ovaries to getting raped.  I cannot keep up with actual, stupid fatawa.

The "Ruling" on Celebrating Mothers' Day

Q: What is the ruling on celebrating Mother’s Day?

A: It is haram to celebrate Mother’s Day. In Islam every day is ‘Mother’s Day’, ‘Father’s Day’, Children’s Day’, ‘Mullah’s Day’ and any other day.  Because Muslims do not want to check the calendar.  It is easier to say this instead of actually having to do something about it.  Slogans about how well we treat our mothers, however, are absolutely halal, so that we can all feel good about ourselves.

Do Atheists Go to Hell?

Q: Will atheists go to Hell when they die?

A: No.  Because they do not believe in it. When an atheist dies, his soul will be brought to a Backstreet Boys concert and he will have to listen to them for an eternity, with no bathroom breaks.  Some might consider that worse than Hell, or as Rowan Atkinson called it, "Damnation without relief."

The "Ruling" on Music

Q: What is the ruling on music

A: Music, like any activity that involves having fun, is absolutely haram.  It is a mark of piety to be miserable.  If you fart, and you feel that it has a melody, then you had better seek forgiveness.  That is why, in Islam, we do not have Karaoke; we have Kara-No-OK.  However, listening to Justin Bieber is exempted, since whatever he does is obviously not music.  It might be the sound of dogs being sodomised to death by homosexual camels with strapons.

Is the Niqab Wajib?

Q: Is the niqab wajib?

A: The niqab is absolutely wajib.  Whoever does not wear it is a whore and an impious woman.  A woman showing her face is like a woman showing her vagina.  And that is why, they do not wear the niqab during hajj and ‘umrah.

Please note that whilst this page is satire and the ‘fatawa’ are fake, this portion, “A woman showing her face is like a woman showing her vagina”, is taken from an actual Saudi fatwa.

Blasphemy Laws in Islam

Q: What is the position of blasphemy laws in Islam?

A: If you question it, it is blasphemy, and you must be killed. If you question me, it is blasphemy, and you must be killed. If you say anything I do not like, it is blasphemy, and you must be killed. Remember, Islam is a religion of peace, the Prophet (s.a.w.) was a prophet of love. And there is no compulsion in religion.

When Does a Man Mature?

Q: In Islam, when is a man mature enough for marriage?

A: Men never mature. As they get older, their toys might get more expensive. Women have to make do with these overgrown hairy toddlers. Since God is Fair, this is the price they have to pay for multiple orgasms.

The Islamic Age of Marriage for Women

Q: In Islam, when is a woman mature enough for marriage?

A: A woman is biologically ready for marriage when she begins to bleed from her nether orifices for several days and not die. This is also known as menstruation. Thereafter, she undergoes a psychiatric evaluation on a remote island until it is certified that a man may sleep in the same room as her and wake up with his penis still attached to him. Only then is it safe to marry her. This is normally at age 40.

Is the World Flat?

Q: Is the world flat?

A: The world is flat and whoever believes otherwise is a filthy infidel who lies. We know this because if the world were a sphere, we would all fall off. The world is a flat disk balanced on the head of drunk hippopotamus riding a celestial unicycle without a seat. And every time the hippopotamus moves, there are earthquakes.

Is Toothpaste Halal?

Q: Is toothpaste halal?

A: Toothpaste is halal as long as it does not contain camel semen. This mistake sometimes happens in the Najd when the lonely Bedouin brushes with the wrong ‘toothbrush’.

What Happened to the Dinosaurs?

Q: What happened to the dinosaurs?

A: Dinosaurs are creatures used by the infidels to confuse the Muslims into believing in evolution. There are many kinds of dinosaurs including unicorns and certain types of fungi. They all died out during the Great Flood when they built their own ark using brown prints stolen by Jewish agents. It was probably Mossad. We call it ‘brown prints’ because blueprints are a filthy innovation that came later. However, due to a tragic accident involving a plunger, dragon poop and a malfunctioning flush, their ark sank and they all drowned. All that dinosaur poop hardened and became coal, and their bones got embedded in it.

The Reason for Attending Funerals

Q: What is the preferred reason for attending funerals?

A: A Muslim should attend a funeral for two reasons.  The first is to pay the last respects and ensure that the funeral is conducted according to shari’ah.  And the second is to ensure that the deceased is truly dead.  To that effect, it is preferable to bring a mallet, and when no one is looking, to quietly hit the body repeatedly.

Where Rain Comes from

Q: What does Islam say about rain.

A: Do not listen to the infidel scientists and their innovated water cycle.  Rain is caused by millions of birds flying above the clouds and urinating at the same time.  How do we know it is true? Has anyone ever seen a bird pissing?  Exactly!

The "Ruling" on the 72 Virgins

Q: What is the ruling on 72 virgins?

A: A believing man who dies as a martyr while murdering innocent men, women and children in the name of a Merciful God will be promised a paradise with 72 virgins.  However, terms and conditions apply since Satan was the attorney before he was kicked out of Heaven for testing the virgins.

Firstly, we give no guarantees of age.  All our virgins have been waiting around a long time so they might be a bit on the old side.

Secondly, we did not specify the gender.  Please read the fine print.  Any description need not represent reality.  Marketing was done by the Jews.

Thirdly, to ensure that they remain virgins, they have no vaginas.  Even the women; they are all provided strap-ons.  However, there will be angels around playing the Leona Lewis song, ‘Bleeding Love’.

Explaing Why Muslims in Dearborn Supported Bernie Sanders

Q: Why did the Muslim Democrats of Dearborn, Michigan, vote for Bernie Sanders, a Jew, instead of Hillary Clinton?

A: How could they not vote for Bernie Sanders?  The alternative was an independent woman without the hijab trying to be a man. The only thing Hillary has that makes her similar to Muslim politicians and leaders is that she lies about things, changes her position often, takes money to lobby for vested interests, and constantly finds excuse for waging war. Those factors make her a perfect Muslim president.

The "Ruling" on Zionists

Q: Why do so many Muslims hate Zionists?

A: Zionists have mastered the art of propaganda.  They have perfected the art of oppression, genocide, apartheid, and have a religious entitlement complex.  In short, it is professional jealousy. They make our extremists look bad.

The Furry Subculture

Q: My brother is into the furry subculture.  Should I be worried?

A: No.  There is a reason why in many parts of the Muslim world, the sheep are nervous and the camels are cranky.  How low can a lonely person go?  Maybe a shitzu.

Is Hell Real?

Q: Is Hell Real?

A: Hell is certainly real.  Ask any married man.  Ask any person who has ever had to use the toilet in a Muslim country.  Ask any woman who has teenaged children.  Ask any England soccer fan after the penalty shoot out of a major world tournament.  Ask any Trump supporter at Beyonce concert.

The "Ruling" on Sleepwalking

Q: What would advise a Muslim who sleepwalks?

A: I would advise him to never sleep in the nude.

The Position on Niqab & the Hijab

Q: What is the position of the hijab and the niqab in Islam?

A: The hijab goes on the head, and the niqab covers the face.

On Touching Pigs

Q: Is it haram for Muslims to touch a pig?

A: It depends on how you touch it.

The "Ruling" on Voting

Q: Are we allowed to vote in the American Presidential election?

A: Voting is imitating the kuffar, just like eating, breathing and defecating.  Democracy is haram because it gives people the false idea that they have a say in government.  A Muslim should choose his leaders the traditional methods – assassination, genocide, revolution and inter-tribal raid.  It is meritorious to chant “Death to America” at random intervals.  Another recommended method is to have the names of random people, especially fictional characters, put in boxes.  Have a female hippopotamus in a tutu hop around in a pogo stick while menstruating.  Whichever box has the most blood, that is the new khalifah.  Thereafter, revert to the traditional methods mentioned above.

The "Ruling" on Watching Nature Shows

Q: It is okay to watch Discovery Channel or any nature show?

A: This is a plot by the kuffar since they know how much we love animals.  If someone were to see the animals fornicating during mating season, they might get excited and this would be considered pornography in the Najd.

The "Ruling" on Polygamy

Q: So why is polygamy allowed in Islam?

A: Polygamy is a sacred institution where a man experiences the joy of having more than one mother-in-law, and the joy of living through up to eight menstrual cycles every month.  This is so that they know that Hell exists.  And since Hell exists, they will believe in Heaven.  This is also why it was the practise of certain pious men to sit in caves and meditate for long periods.  al-Hamdulillah, now we have Netflix and X-Box.

Why Pork is Haram

Q: Why is pork haram?

A: Pork is haram because pigs are the closest living relatives to some people, whose only culture is bacteria.  Islam does not allow cannibalism.

The Reason Why Women Wear the Hijab

Q: Why do Muslim women wear the hijab?

A: It is a Divine Mercy since God Knows women have bad hair days.  Aside for modesty, the hijab is useful for covering that up.  This also means that husbands need not wait until Judgement Day while the womenfolk ‘fix’ their hair.

The "Ruling" on Singing

Q: Is singing haram?

A: Singing is haram for two reasons.  If the singer is good, then it excites the senses and allures people away from the only things they are allowed to hear: the recitation of the Qur'an, and the nagging of their four wives.

And if the singer is horrible, people might be confused and think that either an exorcism is required, or somebody is sodomising a dog with a poker iron.  The first would frighten the people, and the second might excite some of them.

However, rapping is allowed since there is no music involved.  The preferred phrases to use include, “Haram”, “You are kafir,” and the classic, “Death to America”.

The "Ruling" on Hashish

Q: What is the ruling on hashish?

A: The biggest producers of hashish in the world are Morocco and Afghanistan, Muslim majority countries.  Because producing it for the kuffar is a meritorious act.

For the Muslims, hashish is haram because it makes you fornicate with goats, and one cannot engage in premarital sex.  However, if one has married the goat, then it is permissible.  But sometimes, because of the niqab, it is difficult to tell who is the woman and who is the goat.  In such a case, bring a carrot and a long stick.

The "Ruling" on Supporting Manchester United

Q: What is the ruling on supporting Manchester United?

A: It is Written in the Qur'an that Satan is the avowed enemy of Banu Adam. Manchester United are known as the Red Devils, Shaythan al-Ahmar.  As such, it is haram to support them.  Also, since they are Red Devils, we know they are communist shaythan, making it a bid’ah, kufr, haram shirk – a made up term.

It is better to support Liverpool.  As a Liverpool fan, you will be like the Malamati Sufis since you will understand the meaning of suffering every week.  And for 90 minutes of so, you will pray for a goal like you have never prayed before, only to be disappointed most times.